


New Years Letters - 2015

by eternaleponine



Series: Ghosts That We Knew [28]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:31:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are the letters that the kids wrote to themselves at the beginning of 2015, during <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2268420/chapters/4982988">Say It Now</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Years Letters - 2015

**Bobbi**

January 1, 2015

2013 was the worst year of my life, hands down. I died. I came back to life, but I actually died. I missed half of the school year (but managed to keep up being essentially homeschooled, except it was actually hospital schooled), got a new heart, almost rejected the new heart, and ended up in the hospital again. 

But that turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because while I was in the hospital a second time I met Bruce, and through Bruce met his friends, and ended up switching schools and going to school with them, and sure, I got funneled into some kind of support group that's not supposed to be a support group, but the kids in there, for the most part, have become some of the best friends that I've ever had. 

They showed up unexpectedly at my test for my second dan black belt, which was amazing, because I'm not used to having people support me that way. My mother never has, my father's never been around, and my brother only gets to come if he can find a way to get there without my mom really knowing. Not that she doesn't know that I train – obviously she does – but she's always tried to keep him away from it because she doesn't want him to start thinking that it's a good idea or whatever. He's never really showed any interest in participating, but he likes to come cheer me on when he can, because he's a good kid like that.

Then over the summer we all, or most of us, at least, worked together at the summer camp, and we had so much fun with the whole Harry Potter theme, and it was great to be part of that (Head of Ravenclaw, wot!) and to really feel like my thoughts and ideas were valued. The money wasn't bad, either!

Now this year I've been pulled into the musical, which is something that I know nothing about, but it's pretty awesome to be included, even if I think it was partly out of desperation. Clint needed someone to help him and didn't have anyone else to ask. It's definitely been a bit of a learning curve, but I think by the time the show goes up, we'll have things pretty well under control.

That is, if I can keep Clint from falling apart and/or self-destructing. He's definitely got that tendency. He's his own worst enemy, and he's got himself beat before he even starts. I get that he's had a rough past, and he's got some challenges beyond your average teenager with his hearing damage, but... it's not as bad as he makes it out to be. Or, actually, I don't know that. Maybe the hearing damage is actually worse than he makes it out to be, and he's struggling more than I, or anyone, knows. But in general, overall... like with Natasha. He's convinced himself that he's not good enough for her and she's going to at some point figure that out and leave him so he's about ready to start pushing her away, it seems like, and that's just idiotic.

Hopefully I managed to convince him of that so he doesn't do anything dumb. It's pretty obvious to anyone who sees the two of them together how in love with each other they are. Natasha is harder to read than Clint, but if you see how she looks at him when no one – including him – is looking, it's pretty obvious. She needs him as much as he needs her – maybe almost to the point of codependence, but they've been through _so much_ together from what I've heard – and I don't know that either of them will ever find someone else who understands them as well as the other does.

So I'd like to see him not blow that up, and I think that's why I'm willing to do this whole assistant/co-stage manager thing with him, because he needs someone to keep him from doing something epically dumb.

That, and it'll look good on my college applications, and also it's actually turning out to be pretty fun. I'm not sure I'll feel the same way when we get down to crunch time and the stress really hits, but right now it's fun.

So that's a couple of my goals for 2015 – keep Clint in line, and make sure that the stage crew aspects of the musical go smoothly.

Another is to figure out where I want to go to college. My applications are done, so now it's a matter of finding out who accepts me (I'm not _too_ worried there) and then weighing strength of program vs. cost and how much financial aid – preferably in the form of scholarships! – I get vs. location and where friends will be, etc.

One of the factors I'm also looking at, because if everything else is equal, it may be the deciding factor, is whether I'll have the ability to keep training while I'm there. Some schools have TKD clubs, and maybe if the one that I choose doesn't I can start one, but I'm not 100% qualified to teach at this point, so I'm not sure I would be comfortable with that unless the other people joining already had training. If there's not a club, I would like for there to be a nearby dojang where I can train, and preferably one that will either allow me – and pay me – to teach, or that will at least give me a break on training costs if I do teach or assist. 

And I know that being near my friends from high school shouldn't be a deciding factor, but again, if the program and financial aid are roughly equal, and one program offers the ability to be near some of my friends versus being in the middle of nowhere or at least nowhere near anyone I know, I'm more likely to choose the one where I'll have at least a little bit of a support system. I know that I can make new friends, and I'm sure that I will, but it's still not the same.

So yeah... that's pretty much it. Once I'm at school, wherever I decide to go, I want to keep in touch with people, and I'm not just saying that. I really feel like these people have become my family over the past year, and it's important to me that even if we drift to all the corners of the country, we can still come back together and feel like I do now. 

Corny, I know, but hey, no one is reading this but me, right? 

Happy New Year.

Bobbi

* * *

**Bruce**

January 1, 2015

At this time last year I was in a really bad place. I had just been released from the hospital after trying to kill myself, and Tony would barely let me out of his sight because he was afraid that I might do something stupid again. I let him because I was afraid I might do something stupid again. My father was gone, but I couldn't be sure he wouldn't come back, and having no future seemed like a better option than having to face a future with him in it. 

A year later and everything is different. Everything is better, and the future seems wide open. I still see Tony all the time, but he hasn't velcroed himself to me to make sure that I stay safe. We're friends – best friends – but I actually have my own friends, too, not his friends who tolerate me. I'm at a school that challenges me in a city that I like, doing things that I love. I really feel like not only do I have a place in the world, but I have the potential to contribute to it, to do something that will improve the world and leave a lasting mark.

Not bad for a kid who spent some time in juvenile detention because of his anger management issues. 

It's not always easy. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I want to blow up, or give up, or both. Sometimes (usually during group projects) I wonder if maybe I should just become a hermit and retire from the human race, because there is absolutely no hope for it. But most of the time, I feel pretty good about the state of things... or no, that's not right. I don't feel good about the state of things, but I _do_ feel good about the potential to improve things, if not completely turn them around.

My goals for the year are pretty much just to keep doing what I'm doing, keep getting good grades and participating in life at school. I want to keep my attitude positive, and keep myself out of dark places. I also want to help out my friends when, where, and however I can. They've done so much for me, and I want to be able to return that. I guess I made a pretty good start with the quilt for Bobbi. I don't know where she's planning to go to school. Selfishly, I hope that it's somewhere close enough to visit. 

Really, it would be nice if at least some of our friends stay in the area. We haven't been the greatest about getting together this past semester, but they've been trying to balance school with everything else, and Tony and I have been settling in, and it really made my day... my semester, even... when Bobbi, Clint and Natasha showed up to help me celebrate my birthday. There are a lot of colleges in Boston, so I can't help hoping that at least a few of them are in the city with us.

Beyond that, beyond this year... I want to make a difference in the world. I want my life to mean something. I tried to end it, and my friends saved me, and now I need to know that there was a reason for that. Our world has so many problems, and nothing is ever going to change if someone doesn't step up to do something about it. I can't just sit back and wait for someone else to do that stepping up; if I do it might end up being too late. So I want to be one of the people that steps up and takes the lead. Between me and Tony, I feel like we could really do something good, something big and important and world-changing. He can even have all of the credit if he wants it; I'm not in it for the recognition. 

I don't know yet what form that contribution is going to take, but I've got the rest of my life to figure it out, and I feel like I'm in the right place to learn what I need to to be able to make whatever I end up doing matter. 

And hey, maybe along the way I'll meet someone who is equally passionate about making a difference... other than Tony, that is, because as close as we are, I don't think I ever want to be _that_ close to him, if you know what I mean.

Bruce

* * *

**Carol**

January 1, 2015

2014 In Review

This year has not been a good year. This year has actually been one of the worst years of my life. There were good parts, but there were also bad parts, and by the end the bad outnumbered and outweighed the good.

I should probably focus on the good and not dwell on the bad. I think that's what you're supposed to do, not just when thinking about the past year, but in general in life. But I'm not sure that's actually the best way to go about things all the time. If you don't think about the bad things, you can ignore them. If you don't think about the fact that you drink every day, that you drink to get numb, that you drink so that you can forget about all of the shit that's in your life to the point where you start to forget the good things, too, you can ignore the fact that you're an alcoholic.

Hi, my name is Carol, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm 18 fucking years old, and I'm an alcoholic, and if I don't think about that fact, if I don't think about the fact that my drinking caused me to forget my best friend's, my _girlfriend's_ , birthday, and may have cost me the relationship if not the friendship entirely, then maybe I'll start to think that I can handle it, that I can just have one drink, just to relax, and I can't. Not now, and maybe not ever.

2015 will be better. 2015 _has to_ be better. I will make sure that it is.

New Year's Resolutions

**Stay Sober**

Whatever it takes, even if it means starting to go to Alcoholics Anonymous (and don't some places have meetings specifically for teenagers... although maybe it would help to see older people who've really messed up their lives with alcohol and drugs, as kind of a 'Do No Let Yourself Become This' warning), I need to stay sober. Not one drink, not one sip... I can't. It's already cost me too much, and if I don't get myself together and turn things around, I stand to lose more.

**Make a Definite Plan for the Future**

I can't hack this community college thing. I know that in theory it's a great idea for saving money and getting your gen ed requirements out of the way before switching to a four year school, but I can't do it. It feels like a dead end, a consolation prize for the girl who can't go to a real school and have a real future. It's like... Grade 13. High school all over again, except it's actually less challenging than some of the classes I was taking in high school. I can't do it. So I need to come up with a plan – figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, and a way to afford it – so that I can get out of here and really start working towards the future.

**Get Jessica to Forgive Me**

I don't know if it's possible. Maybe there's a better way to word that resolution, like 'Keep My Friendship with Jessica from Crumbling' or something, but... I want her to forgive me. Or... I want her to be able to see past the fact that I forgot her birthday because I was drunk/hungover, and see that yes, I made a mistake but I'm working to fix that mistake, and my life overall, and that something like that is not going to happen again. I need her to know, and to _believe_ , that I love her, and I always will. I want to spend – okay, maybe I'm too young to say things like this, but it's how I feel now and fuck it, I'm allowed – I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I'd like it to be in a romantic way, but if that's not possible, then I'd at least like us to remain friends. That's more important than anything. 

And if it's not possible, then I guess my last resolution is...

**Figure Out How to Let Jess Go**

Figure out how to let her walk out of my life, accept that it's what she needs and maybe she'll be happier and maybe someday she'll walk back into my life, but if she doesn't and she finds someone else and she's happy, that's okay, too.

And if that's how things have to be, find a way to be happy myself without her... and **Stay Sober** while doing it. 

Which brings us full circle, I guess.

God, this is all pretty bleak. I need a drink.

I guess I'll go have some orange juice.

Carol

* * *

**Clint**

January 1, 2015

Note to Self:

Okay, Self, it's time to get your shit together. And not just pretend to get it together, not just fake it so that people believe that you have your shit together, but really, actually get your shit together. You need to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, or at least figure out what you're going to do with yourself for the next few years, because if you don't, you're going to end up not doing anything, just being a loser and a failure like your father was, and you've spent your entire life, pretty much, working to _not_ be him, so really, it's time to step it up.

First, you need to talk to Tasha. Really talk, not just assume she knows, don't just dodge, really do it (are we sensing a theme here?) and get it over with and face the outcome, whatever it ends up being. You need to tell her what's going on, how you're feeling, that you don't know what you're doing and the only thing you're sure of is that you want to be with her, but you're afraid that you're not good enough for her and you're afraid that she's going to realize that there are other people in the world, better people, and she's going to leave you, and you're not looking for her to promise you that she won't, because probably at some point she will, statistically speaking, and... 

You need to talk to her. And if you stay together, you need to keep talking to her. Like Bobbi said, you need to trust her enough to be able to make her own decisions, and in order for her to do that, you need to level with her. If you're drifting apart, you only have yourself to blame, and if you want to keep her, you need to tell her that, and you need to keep telling her that. 

Then you need to figure out what's going on with your future. Do you want to go to college? Everyone seems to assume that you're going to, but is that what you want, or is just what people expect? You don't have to go to college. Not everyone does, and they go on to lead perfectly happy, fulfilling lives... right? I mean, there's also trade school and stuff like that... if I can think of a trade that I want to do. Which, y'know, I can't really... but maybe I could figure that out. Or maybe I could try going to college. My grades aren't that bad, given the circumstances, and even though I might not get into a _great_ school, I could probably do community college or something, right? 

But it's probably too late for that at this point. Application deadlines and all of that... And I would have to figure out where Tasha is going so I can go with her and find a school in that area... if that's what she wants, I mean. I guess I just kind of assumed but I guess that's why talking to her comes first.

I don't know what I would want to do in college, though. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I never really thought about it. I guess I'd better start thinking fast. 

I also need to figure out a way to help Lewis, because he obviously needs someone to have his back, and it's not his dad (and I assume not his mom either). I don't know about his teachers at school, if they can do anything or if their hands are tied, and there's only so much that I can do in one hour a week with him. Maybe I should talk to Mr. Coulson, see what he says... see if maybe he can get in touch with the social worker at the elementary school and maybe have her (or him, I don't know) step in. That assumes that they're allowed, which maybe they're not without parent permission. But seriously, there's no way that he's not struggling in school, not being able to talk to the other kids, not being able to be understood by his teacher. They probably just assume he's stupid, and he's _not_. 

So... yeah. I guess maybe that's all, but that's probably enough. It's time to step up and figure out what shape my life is going to take now that the one that I always assumed it would is a thing of the past. 

I just really, really hope I don't lose her. I've made the last two years about her, she's been at the center of everything, and to lose her now would be like losing part of myself. But if she doesn't feel the same, then it's better to know that now, I guess. But damn I'll miss her if/when she goes.

Clint

* * *

**Jessica**

January 1, 2015

Dear... 

I don't know. I'm supposed to write this letter to myself, right, to read next year, and see how far I've come from where I am now?

The thing is, I'm not sure I want to move on from where I am now. Except I do. I definitely do. But I'm afraid that by moving on, I'll lose what I have, and I don't want to do that. I want to be able to gain things without losing anything, and I don't think that's actually possible, so then it becomes a game of trying to figure out what you can stand to lose and what you can't.

And I don't know the answer to that. At all. 

I already walked away from one life completely, taking nothing with me but the clothes on my back, and even those I ditched at the soonest possible opportunity. This one isn't perfect, but it's good, it's better, and... and it's like as soon as I start to feel comfortable, to feel settled, it's all about to come to an end.

I hate high school. There is pretty much nothing good about it. But what comes after? I think I know... I've been looking things up online, and I think I know, but... but what if it's not what I think it is, or what I hope it will be? What if I'm not actually good enough? Then what? How many cooks/chefs/bakers does the world actually need? If I go to school to become a chef or a pastry chef, will I be able to find a job? If I can't, what happens to me? It's not like I have a place to fall back on. Once I'm done with school, that's pretty much the end of the road for a foster kid, I think, so where will I live? What will I do?

I didn't think about any of this when I left where I was before, because all I knew at that point was that _anything_ had to be better than what I was living through there. Now I know that maybe that's not true, not _anything_ would have been better, but where I ended up was – is – better, even though at first I couldn't stand it, and now I'm afraid to lose it.

People can make all the promises they want, y'know, but that doesn't mean they're going to follow through on them. We can all get to graduation and say, "Oh, we'll keep in touch! Oh, we'll see each other at Thanksgiving or Christmas or Whenever We Have Breaks!" but that doesn't mean we actually _will_.

I've gotten used to having friends. I've gotten used to having a sister. Foster sister, doesn't matter, it feels more real than my relationship with anyone in the past. Not that I had siblings, but you know what I mean. She's got my back, and so does Clint, and so does Carol... except when she doesn't.

I've been trying so hard to forgive her, because in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Just because it was my birthday, does it make it any different from her being late or not showing up on any other Sunday? And she's been there with me, and for me, so many other times when I needed her, is one day really worth holding a grudge forever? 

She's doing better. She's not drinking anymore – she swore she wouldn't, and as far as I know she's kept that promise – and she's said that she's not going to drink anymore, because obviously she has a problem and if she's ever going to make anything of her life, she needs to not drink to be able to do that. And I told her I would do anything I could to help her, but things are still different with us. Things are still not right, and I'm pretty sure it's because of me.

And I don't think it's actually her forgetting my birthday, either, that's the real problem. I think it's the fact that we've hit a point where we... no, I... need to decide what I really want with/from her. I'm pretty sure she already knows, and she's been waiting patiently for me to figure it out. Like... everyone else probably assumes that things have happened between us that haven't actually happened yet. She kissed me, and I kissed her back, but that's all that's ever gone down behind closed doors. Kissing. I know that there's more, that she wants more, and she wants me to want more, and I _do_ want more... I'm pretty sure that's what my body is telling me, but...

But in my head I've got so much other shit, so many ideas about how the world is supposed to be, and I know that it's bullshit, it's all bullshit and it's lies that have been fed to me and if we're both happy and we both want it and no one is getting hurt then it's okay, it's fine, it's good, but... I can't take that step. I keep getting right up to it and then pulling away, and Carol always backs down and she says it's okay but I wonder if it was making her want to drink, the frustration over my indecision about whether we should stay just friends that sometimes make out or actually become... lovers, I guess.

And who the hell do you talk to about that kind of thing? Who the hell can you ask about how you get over all of the shit you've been told, and the things that have happened to you, so that you can just be a normal teenage girl who actually can get over all the shit in her head to do what the person she loves – because I'm pretty sure I _do_ love her, and not just as a friend – wants, and maybe even what she wants but what she's afraid of, too?

And now that I say that, I realize that I know the answer to that question... who to talk to... even if maybe she won't have the answers. But maybe... maybe I need to ask the questions anyway.

Jessica

* * *

**Loki**

January 1, 2015

2015 is going to be my year. I am tired of living in Thor's shadow even when he's not here, tired of being the black sheep in the golden family. This year, I'm taking control of my life, and doing what I want, what I _need_ to make myself happy and whole.

I turn 18 in February. After that I don't need parental permission to access the records that will lead me to my real parents. I intend to find them and... well, I'm not sure what will happen then. I was thinking that I would go see them, wherever they are, during February break, but then they took away February break so I'm not sure how that will work, especially with the musical.

Maybe I'll invite them to that. But an invitation is easily ignored. I don't want them to be able to ignore me, to continue to pretend that I don't exist. I want them to have to confront the mistake that they made when they gave me up. So maybe it will have to wait until after the musical, maybe there won't be time before. I don’t' know how long it will take to find them.

I also don't want to take a chance on it stirring something unexpected up and affecting my performance. It could feed it, but these things are unpredictable and I don't want to risk losing my emotional edge by having my focus drawn elsewhere. Enjolras wouldn't be thinking about who is out in the audience watching. He doesn't need anyone else's approval.

And if I slip, even a little bit, I risk being upstaged by ~~Grantaire~~ Sam's antics, and I can _not_ let that happen. This is my year. This is my show. He may get a few laughs, but I'm the one who needs to stir the audience's hearts.

Speaking of invitations, though, I need to let people from camp know when the show is. I don't know if anyone will be able to come; apparently there is some kind of conspiracy that has all high schools put up their shows at very nearly the same time. Still, some of them are ~~straight~~ actors in straight plays only, so they might be free.

Thor says he'll come no matter what else is going on. I told him I didn't care if he came or not, and I'm trying to make myself believe it. I don't want to care, but I do. I want him to be there. I want him to see me shine in my own right. I want him to know that I don't need him, I am not the moon, only glowing because of the sun's cast-off rays.

All I want from this year is to sever ties with my fake past and establish ties to my real one, and... I just want to start over. I just want to be able to be myself without being fettered by anyone. Maybe when I go to college I'll change my name, change everything about myself, invent myself again, reimagine myself into something – someone – better.

Is that really too much to ask?

Loki

* * *

**Natasha**

January 1, 2015

Is it strange that I was the one who started this tradition, and now I don't know what to say? This year was good – some bad, but mostly good – and so it feels like at the end of it, and the start of another, I don't feel so compelled to talk about all of the things that I want or need to change.

Right now all I can really think about is Clint. He finally came to me and said we needed to talk, and I told him that I knew, that I'd known for a while and I was waiting for him to be ready. But he's not actually ready yet, or at least he didn't want to do it right then, and I understand. It's better if we talk somewhere where we're both comfortable, somewhere that is ours. 

Is it strange that I think of my room as ours, and not just mine?

We haven't talked about what will happen after we graduate this year. Not once. I haven't told him that I'm applying to colleges, but that I'm worried that somehow they will change their minds about letting me stay in this country. I could apply for a student visa, but I'm not sure that I can do that when I'm already in the country, or how that works. I should call the people who were responsible for getting me my visa even after my ties to my "uncle" were revealed to be fraudulent, see how long the visa I have is good for, if it will allow me to stay long enough that I can become a naturalized citizen.

Is that even what I want? Do I want to be a US citizen? Can I have dual citizenship? Will I ever go back?

I think I'd like to go back at some point. I'd like to go back, and take Clint with me, and show him where I'm from, where I grew up. We talked about it back during the Olympics. But I don't want to stay there. I want to stay here... or wherever he is.

But I have to think about myself. I have to think about what I want my future to be. I have to think about what I want to do with my life. Most of the schools that I've applied to or am finishing up applications for are in Boston, because there are so many schools there, even if he doesn't go to the same school that I do, he should be able to find one that works for him... if that's what he wants. I don't know what he wants because we haven't talked about it. We haven't talked about how I want to find a place to live where we can actually live together, and spend every night in the same bed so that maybe the nightmares will start to fade once and for all. We haven't talked about the fact that I'm afraid that I will go away and he will stay and I'll lose him, and in losing him lose part of myself.

I don't know if it's healthy, to need someone else around to keep you feeling safe and stable. I don't know that I care if it's not. He's been at the center of my life, my American life, almost from the very beginning. He has been the one good, true thing since I got here, and he saved my life, literally once, and figuratively many more times. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to.

We haven't talked about whether or not he feels the same. I think he does, but maybe that's just me projecting my wishes on him. Maybe he's tired of me and doesn't know how to tell me so. Maybe when he looks at me he is reminded of all the trouble I was, of all the trouble that I might still be, and he just wants to be done with all of it, but he doesn't know how to say it.

I don't want this all to fall apart. This life, our life, is a _good_ life. It didn't start that way, and we had places where it was hard, but I think we're better together than we ever would be apart, and I don't want to lose that.

I don't know what my goals are for this year, except to figure out what the shape of my future is, because if I have to figure out how to live it without Clint in it... I need to know that sooner rather than later so I can adjust accordingly.

I can live without him. I am strong, and I am determined, and whatever happens, I will not give up and become that girl who lets a boy destroy her life. I will find a way to help girls like me who have been brought to this country to be used by men. I will find a way to stop it, if I can, or assist those who are trying to do so. I don't care how long it takes; it's a battle worth fighting. 

But I'd rather do it with him at my side, or there to come home to to remind me that the whole world isn't that way, and that my life isn't that way anymore, and that I can be safe and warm and happy. It makes everything easier, just knowing that he is in the world, and I'm not ready to give up on that yet.

Natasha

* * *

**Peggy**

January 1, 2015

2014 has been a difficult year, but it has also been an amazing year. I didn't meet Steve in 2014, but our relationship blossomed from friendship into romance, and now that we're living together it's stronger than ever. There have been some bumps along the way, but usually they came from outside sources and only made us lean on each other harder and brought us closer together.

I never saw myself as someone who was going to go to college and meet a boy and fall in love and move in with him and start planning happily ever after, but I guess somewhere along the line I became That Girl... and realized that being That Girl isn't a bad thing, because it's not all that I am. I'm not changing myself, who I am at the core, for him. I'm letting my relationship with him shape some of my thoughts about the future, but I don't think that's a bad thing.

I also never saw myself as someone who would, at twenty years old, needing to wrap my mind around the idea that I may be forced into the role of a mother. Maybe forced isn't the right word – if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't... except is that really true? Could I really stand by and let anyone else take my niece, that little ray of sunshine, away? Could I really let her be carted off to live with a relative she's never met before, just because her mother, my sister, can't quite get her act together?

At first it was just a weekend here and there, but then she started asking me to take her for the night on school nights, and sometimes she wouldn't show up when she was supposed to to get her, and I couldn't reach her on her cell, and finally she would show up in the middle of the night and I would end up keeping Sharon for just one more night because I didn't want to wake her.

She doesn't know the damage that she's doing to her daughter, no matter how hard I try to get her to see it, and it's gotten to the point where I'm ready to offer to take custody of her just so that I don't risk Sharon being taken away. 

I have to talk to Steve, though, because I can't just take Sharon in to live in the place that we share without asking him first. I don't know if he wants to be put in that position, but on the other hand, I don't think he would be any more comfortable with the idea of a child growing up in so unstable an environment than I am.

I need to think about myself, though, too, because can I really handle being a mother on top of going to school and trying to figure out my own future? I know that people do it, but it's not ever easy. Yet it feels selfish to even consider choosing my own future over hers, when she doesn't have any control over what's happening to her.

I'm smart, and I'm strong, and I'm determined. I can make things work. I've got a support system that I can lean on if necessary when things get tough. I can find a solution that works for me, and for Sharon, and for Steve. They are my family now, or at least that's how it's really started to feel this year. We're a family together. But it's not entirely up to me, so we'll see.

We – yes, we – need to make some decisions about what we're going to do when we finish the year at the community college. I know that Steve wants to go on to get his Bachelor's degree, as do I, but neither of us has completely settled on where we want to go. I know we've both been thinking a lot about Boston, just because there are so many schools there, we could continue to live together even if we were attending different schools, as long as we can find somewhere to live that's somewhat central to both. But there might be other options, too, and if we do end up taking Sharon, we'll have to consider her needs as well. There's also a possibility that there may be stipulations about not being able to leave the state if we have her, if my sister doesn't completely sign over her rights, so... I guess we'll see.

So much is up in the air this year at this point, but it doesn't feel bad. Whatever happens, I feel like I'm going into this year with some trepidation, but a lot of hope. I think that's a good place to start.

Here's to 2015. Happy New Year.

Peggy

* * *

**Pepper**

January 1, 2015

Wow. Where did the year go? It doesn't seem like that long since we were here, writing letters to ourselves with our goals for this year, and now we're thinking ahead to next year. It seems... unreal, almost to the point of impossibility. I don't even remember what I wrote last year, to be honest. I guess I'll find out soon, when we open our letters from last year.

Last night I almost did something really stupid, except I'm not actually sure that it's actually as stupid as I originally thought. When midnight struck somehow Tony had managed to make sure he was right next to me, and of course he kissed me. And I let him. And I liked it. It felt good to just be able to let go for a minute or two, just sink into something purely physical and not think at all. It felt so good that I almost let it go further... but my brain caught up with my body and I put on the brakes.

Why? Because it's just another thing to stress me out. It might feel good in the moment but what about the aftermath? And it's not as if there's any future in it. He's going to go back to Boston and in the fall I'll be in California, and with the exception of maybe Maine, there's nowhere he could be that could be farther away. I'm not about to attempt a long-distance relationship.

This year... I keep thinking of it as next year because it's next school year, but it's this year now, less than 12 months away... I'll finally be away from my parents, finally able to get out from under the person that everyone expects me to be. I finally get a chance to be myself.

Trouble is, do I know who that is? 

I guess that's my goal for this upcoming year. My main goal, the thing that matters most. This year I want to figure out who I am. Not who my parents think I am, or my teachers, or anyone else. Who I really am, at my core, and who I want to be. 

I want to try new things, and if I don't like them, I want to be able to walk away from them and not keep doing them, and if I _do_ like them, I want to keep doing them, even if they are things that maybe won't get me ahead in the world (as long as they won't put me behind). I'm allowed to do things just because I enjoy them. I am giving myself permission this year.

Other goals for the year are making friends when I get to college but not losing track of my friends here, maintaining my sanity by not over-committing myself, and keeping a 4.0 GPA for my first semester of college. (Well, I want to keep that GPA for all of the other semesters, too, but I'll start with the first one.)

This year (2014) has been better than previous years, and a lot of that has to do with having people who support me around. Even though I don't always feel like I'm part of the core group, I know that if I need something, I have people that I can ask, and they will come through for me... even the ones who I previously might have thought were unreliable. I'm looking forward to seeing how the musical comes out – even though it's a pretty big stressor I also feel like I've assembled (helped assemble) a really great crew and that if we can all just keep it together it will be an amazing show that I'm proud to have been a part of. So I'm hoping that things continue in that direction this year, through the end of senior year and into next year... next school year.

It's strange trying to think of this year as a whole, to be honest. It's like one life is ending and another is beginning, right in the middle of the year. I'm trying not to freak out about that. So I guess that's another goal – don't freak out about graduating high school and starting college. Millions of people do it every year, and lots of them aren't as prepared and equipped to handle it as I am.

This letter is a mess. It's just all over the place... but it's not even ten am and I was up 'til almost two and so I'm going to give myself a pass. No one's grading me, after all, except myself.

Pepper

* * *

**Sam**

January 1, 2015

Dear Future Self,

Is that how I'm supposed to start this? I don't even know, but everyone else is doing it so I might as well, right?

Mom: If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?

Me: What's at the bottom?

Mom: I think you're missing the point here.

New Year's Resolution #1 – Don't drive my mom crazy.

~~New Year's Resolution #2 – Don't get into religious debates with Dad~~

No point in making that resolution. I won't keep it. 

New Year's Resolution #3 – Get a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. I'm not picky. 

Or maybe I'm too picky, and that's why I don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend yet. But picky isn't bad. Selective would be a better word. Anyway, it would be nice to have a date to take to prom. 

New Year's Resolution #4 – Go to prom. With a date.

Does that stuff even matter? Does anyone care? But it's a rite of passage, right? So I should do it. 

New Year's Resolution #5 – Don't mess up the musical. 

New Year's Resolution #6 – Play some kind of epic prank on Loki, because it would be funny. Just not during the show itself. But in rehearsal, maybe. Or acting class. Except then he might kill me. So maybe that's not the greatest idea.

New Year's Resolution #7 – Figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. No big deal, it's only _the rest of my life_.

Seven is a good number, right? I don't want to overextend myself or anything. I've made friends, so that's a good start to the year... except that was last year. And a lot of them are graduating, so maybe 

New Year's Resolution #8 – Make friends who are not seniors so I still have friends next year.

Eight. Not a great number. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the number eight, but now I feel like I should probably make it ten, just to round things out. 

New Year's Resolution #9 – Convince my parents to let me go skydiving, or bungee jumping, or something that involves hurtling through space at high velocity. Except that might break resolution #1. So that might have to wait until next year, when I'm 18 and don't need parental permission.

New Year's Resolution #10 – Make a positive change in the world. No pressure.

I guess that's all for now. Better seal this up and hand it over to the keeper of the envelopes (Steve) for next year. They must be pretty confident we'll all come back again next year, so that's a good thing, right? I'm still not sure how I got adopted into this group; they're not exactly My People, if you know what I'm saying. Then again, I'm not sure anyone here is anyone's People, so they're each other's People, and it's all good.

Your Past Self,  
Sam

* * *

**Steve**

January 1, 2015

This year has gone by faster than I ever imagined it would. After losing Mom, I thought that the year would drag, that I would find myself feeling adrift and searching for things to anchor myself to to keep myself going, but that didn't happen. Yes, there have been times that have been rough – the anniversary of her death and the holidays, especially – but it's actually been a really good year, and I feel like if she's looking down on me from heaven, she's smiling.

Having my friends around me has really helped, and having Peggy has helped even more. She has really been my rock and my anchor through all of this, and I hope that I've been able to be the same for her as she's gone through some rough times with her own family, especially her sister. I don't know all of the details – a lot of the time she doesn't really want to talk about it, or if Sharon is around she doesn't want to risk her overhearing. 

I'm starting to wonder if maybe Sharon would be better off staying with us full time. Peggy's parents aren't in a position to take her, and her mother obviously isn't really up to the task... and I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe she doesn't _want_ to have that kind of responsibility. I understand that having a child is a lot of work, especially as a single parent, but you don't get to just opt out of it.

I haven't brought it up to Peggy because it's not really my decision to make. She might not want to take that on, and of course she's well within her rights to not want to become a mother to her niece. I just want her to know that if she decides that she wants to do it, that I'm with her and I'll do my best to try and be a parental figure, too.

I worry that it might be coming on too strong, though. Then again, we've been together for... well, _together_ together it's been less than a year, but we've known each other and been friends pretty much since I started college, so that's over a year, and since we moved in together, since things became more than just friendly... I admit I've thought about asking her to marry me. But it's too early for that, I'm pretty sure. We're still really young, and we haven't been living together that long, and we might change our minds. But right now things are working, and maybe by this time next year it won't seem too soon anymore.

But I'm probably getting ahead of myself there, and right now I've got other things to worry about, like where I'm/we're going to go to college next year, since I'll get my Associate's Degree at the end of this school year. I know I want to go to a four year school, and possibly grad school if I decide I want to go into a field that requires it. I don't even know what field I want to go in for sure yet. I'm hoping that with a few more specialized classes under my belt I'll be able to figure that out.

And then there's Bucky. We sort of lost touch when we went off to different high schools, although we tried, but then he enlisted and I really just... didn't know what to say to him anymore. He was off fighting a war and... now he's not. Now he's back, but not really. I think his head is still back in battle, and... his arm. He lost his arm and he doesn't know how to deal with that and he's angry and he's scared and he... I don't know what to do with him. Or for him, I guess, or if there's anything that can be done, or if being around helps or hurts him. I didn't stay long because he got so agitated, but I want to see him again. I want him to remember, if he doesn't, and I'm not sure one way or another because he barely said a word, just stared right through me. His mom was there but I get the feeling she's already given up on him. I can't do that. I won't. He was my best friend and even if he doesn't seem to even recognize me, even if he doesn't know he's my friend, I'm still his, and I'm going to figure out how to get him back. I don't care how long it takes or how hard it is, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy.

I think this year could be a good year, but I think it's going to be a hard year, too, not just on me but on a lot of us. I hope I can be as good a friend as I've tried to be in the past, because these guys need me... and if I'm being honest, I need them, too, and that's likely to become more rather than less over the next few months.

But we're strong, and we can do it. We can get through this, together.

Steve

* * *

**Thor**

January 1, 2015

~~Dear Loki,~~

No, that's a different letter, one that I need to write, but not today. For ~~your~~ his graduation, maybe, when I know ~~you're~~ he's going to walk away and never look back.

The thing is, I don't really have goals for myself. Do well in school. Figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Maintain existing friendships/relationships, establish new ones. Don't disappoint Mom & Dad.

Really, though, my life is good. The only dark spot, the only shadow, is Loki. And not even Loki himself, but his insistence that he is not my brother, that we are not family. His attempt to negate a lifetime of history based on the fact that we do not share the same blood, the same genetic code.

I don't understand why it matters so much. Maybe I can't understand because I'm not in his position, and maybe I never understood anything at all about what it was like for him, but he is and always will be my brother, and I will love him as such no matter how much he wants to distance himself from me.

I guess that's really my goal at this point – to convince him somehow that what we have – a shared history – is more important than shared DNA, and that even if he does find his birth parents, even if they develop an amazing relationship, I will always be, and always want to be, his brother.

Thor

* * *

**Tony**

January 1, 2015

Dear 2016 Tony,

Right? Because when I read this again, it will be next year, so it will be the 2016 version of me reading it, just like it's the 2015 version of me writing it, talking about the 2014 version of me, and who I hope the 2015 version will be. Become? Something like that.

Last night was awesome. I had friends here from high school, and friends from college, and nothing too crazy happened, but it was just crazy enough that Pepper lost her mind long enough to kiss me at midnight. For a minute I thought it might actually turn into something more, but then she pulled back, and of course I'm not the kind of guy who's going to try to convince a girl to do something that she isn't into, so I let it go... but for a second there it looked/felt like maybe she'd decided I wasn't evil – or maybe just chaos – incarnate.

If I'm being 100% honest, I'm not sure I would have known what to do if she _had_ decided to let things go further. Not that I don't know what to do on a general level – obviously I do – but Pepper isn't just any girl (or boy – not that I've gone there but I'm open to the idea) and I feel like it would have to be different with her, and maybe the heat of the moment on a tipsy holiday with the house full of people isn't really the right time.

So I'll keep waiting for her to figure out that really, I'm the right guy for her, she just doesn't know it yet. It may be a little harder with us on opposite sides of the country, but technology is an amazing thing and I've got more money than I know what to do with so flying from Logan to LAX (or whatever airport is closest to Stanford) isn't exactly impossible.

I'm really glad that I convinced Bruce to come with me to MIT. He's doing really well there, and I think he's happy. I don't think he's likely to get it into his head that maybe the world would be better off without him again any time soon. His father is still out there somewhere, but I don't think he needs to worry too much about him anymore. At least I hope he doesn't. 

It's good to have a friend around who doesn't... not take me too seriously, because that's not it, but someone who isn't awed by my name or my money. He helps keep me grounded, and I help keep him from becoming a hermit, and it works. Really, if I was ever going to get involved with a guy at all, he would be the one that I want, but I don't think that's really on his radar, and it's probably better not to mess with a friendship that already works, even if it would be fun to see what happens when he loses control.

My goals for the upcoming year aren't too complicated. I want to make sure that I keep in touch with Pepper, and with the others who might be scattering across the country as they head off to school. I want to help out any of them who need help in any way I can – even financially. It's not that hard for the Stark Foundation to whip up a scholarship for a needy student. My father might not be thrilled, but it makes him look good so he should be. Of course it would make it seem rigged (which it is) so maybe that's not good, but what's the point of having money if you can't use it to help the people that are important to you?

I'm pretty proud of the table that I made for Clint, and the programs that I came up with to help him. Some of them were adaptations of existing programs, but some I made up myself because the existing ones didn't work as well as I thought they should. Hopefully they'll help him if he ends up going to college. I don't think he thinks he can, but he's smarter than he gives himself credit for.

I'd like to keep doing things like that, maybe not as my entire focus, but creating programs and machines and whatnot that will help make people's lives easier seems like a pretty good goal. If we can create robots, can we create something like an exoskeleton that would allow those without use of their legs to walk, based on nerve impulses or something. It has to be possible, and if it's not possible yet, then I want to make it possible.

Then there's the energy crisis, and the need for clean energy, and that would be a good thing to work on, too. Why not both? It's not like I sleep, right? Sleep is for the weak, I'll sleep when I'm dead, etc. 

And hey, maybe if I can come up with something really good, really big and world-changing, maybe my dad will finally notice that I exist. How's that for a goal? 

I know that people say it every year, that this year is going to be better, but I really feel like maybe 2015 will be. 2014 was better than 2013, after all, at least for me, but I think for a lot of my friends, too, so I hope we can continue that trend.

So bring it on, 2015. I'm ready.

Tony v. ~~2014~~ 2015

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that I didn't write anything for the holidays this year, but at least I remembered these!


End file.
